A flurry of imbeciles at a dramatically larger number of shows than I had hoped has prompted me to feel it necessary to write this little list. Apparently, knowing how to behave in a theatre isn’t as obvious as it seems so the following Ten Commandments of Theatre Etiquette are intended to help those who can't otherwise help themselves. They are simple in nature and largely common sense but since it appears that common sense is not so common after all I thought it would be worth writing it all down and explaining why. To be honest, the majority of the list revolves around the avoidance of distractions and how they are caused by selfishness so perhaps where these are the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule should be 'Remember you're not the only person in the auditorium trying to enjoy the show' though perhaps the traditional do as you'd be done by would serve just as well.
If, when reading, you find yourself guilty of some of these points then please do try to correct yourself and if you know someone else who is guilty then try and persuade them to read this and hopefully they will amend their habits as well. It’s not difficult and makes the evening a lot more enjoyable for everyone if these ten simple rules are adhered to. There is a special circle of hell reserved for those who are unable to behave appropriately at the theatre alongside those who borrow books and never bring them back. You have been warned.
1. Mobile Phones
Mobile phones, pagers and other things that go beep in the night are one of the worst things to ever bring into a dark, quiet, tense auditorium. They completely break the mood and flow of the performance and will unsettle actors and fellow audience members. There is NO EXCUSE for leaving such a beeping demon on in any guise. If you think someone is going to need you urgently enough to justify such a disruption then you shouldn’t be in the theatre to begin with. Go home and take your array of fads with you. If you do bring such a device in, save yourself the public shame and humiliation by turning it off, and by ‘off’ I don’t mean ‘silent’; I mean ‘off’, preferably with the battery in another pocket entirely to the rest of the hunk of plastic that makes the beeping noises that infuriate everyone.
There is no excuse for using anything that lights up during the performance either. It’s very distracting for the actors and audience members that can see it, especially if you’re in the Stalls, though sitting in the Royal Circle is not a justification. There is a gentle reminder before every show that such devices must remain off so pre-empt it and turn it all off before you enter the theatre or at the very least the moment you’ve sat down.
2. Talking
Whispering, or even outright talking, is unnecessary and distracting. Humming along to songs is plain annoying. Stop it.
Talking in any form is incredibly off-putting. No matter how quietly you think you are whispering you will be disturbing someone, trust me (and it does still matter if you're talking in another language, in many cases it's even more annoying). If you’re hard of hearing and can’t quite hear or follow what’s going on then hire a loop or some such device that will help you (preferably one that doesn’t beep). Showing your appreciation for your girlfriend/boyfriend bringing you to such a 'wonderful show' every scene change is not endearing. It’s supremely frustrating and embarrassing. Conversation is confined to the interval and the inevitable post-show discussions. Don't be that guy.
If you’re attending a performance of a musical it doesn’t matter how well you know it or how much you love it, NEVER hum along with any of the songs, even if they’re Sondheim’s greatest. It is horrifically distracting and as such very selfish. Stop it. Stop it now.
3. Eating
Simple rule. No food in the auditorium. If you must eat during the interval, dispose of the remains before the play begins again.
This is partly the fault of some theatres thinking it would be a good idea to sell noisy sweets and snacks at the interval but it is certainly not excusable even if you bought whatever you’re scoffing at the theatre. Never bring food into the auditorium to be eaten during the performance. A cheeky snack during the interval is acceptable but all remnants must be fully disposed of before the action resumes. Nothing should be eaten during the performance at all, including fingernails (even if the performance is nail-biting). We can still hear you chew and swallow and if you start coughing you’ll ruin everyone’s night.
4. Fidgeting
If you’re struggling to sit still, deal with it or leave.
Fidgeting, rummaging in bags or movement of any kind during a performance is very distracting so make sure you don’t do it. Crossing legs over every now and again is fine but every five minutes is unbearable. If you’re tall try and be aware of the people behind you as constant movement can spoil their sightlines and ruin their evening. Be considerate and sit still.
5. Timekeeping
Arrive early. Be in your seat fifteen minutes before the scheduled start of the performance.
This is a rule that should be applied to the entirety of life, as there is nothing more frustrating than perpetual tardiness. In the theatre, however, it is close to criminal. If you’re collecting tickets from the box office you should do so half an hour before the scheduled start and regardless of prior commitments you should be in your seat, settled with beeping demons off, fifteen minutes before the start, especially if you’re in the middle of the row. Go to the bathroom before you sit down if you think you might need to as opposed to fidgeting throughout or disturbing everyone by making a dash for it in the middle of a scene. Arrive in plenty of time and you’ll avoid rushing yourself, which is likely to make you enjoy the performance less because you'll be flustered. Arrive early and give yourself the privilege of having an easy time of it.6. Coughing
If you think you’re going to cough, bring water and a cough sweet to put in your mouth and some form of handkerchief to muffle the noise.
Most regular theatregoers understand how invasive the sound of coughing can be and how it can interrupt the flow of a good actor and break their concentration; they would much rather die for lack of breathing than be the cause of such an interruption. Take the hint.
7. Manners
Be polite to others and they will be polite to you and things will go well.
Another rule that should be applied to the entirety of life in general: do as you would be done by. If you force people to stand up as you make your way to your seat then politely apologise and make your way across quickly. Do not just stand there and expect them to move out of your way. If you do this, they should by no means do so. The staff selling programmes and interval refreshments, checking tickets and the like are there to help you and are there because they enjoy the theatre, just like you. Be nice to them. Smile and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; it will help keep everyone in a good mood and make you more relaxed as well.
8. Applause and Laughter
Laugh and applaud energetically in the right places, not the wrong ones.
Do not applaud entrances and exits, no matter who the actor is or how flamboyantly they enter or leave. If you applaud a famous actor it makes it obvious you are there to see them and not the show, which will annoy them and everyone else in the cast (and probably the audience too). If you have a vested interest in the show for whatever reason, don’t force laughter. It sounds fake and will diminish genuine laughter. If you’re in doubt as to when to laugh or applaud then don’t. The audience is normally right and you can join in when there are a lot of people clapping or chuckling, just don’t force it. Applause and laughter in the wrongs places can be unnerving for the actors, especially after the show where they reflect on why people laughed at this or clapped at that when it wasn’t intended.
As an aside on this point, standing ovations are very special and should be reserved for that once in a lifetime performance. Have no part in any such thing unless the performance was the one performance in your entire life that you want to show your appreciation for.
9. Dress Code
It’s not necessary to look your smartest, but make an effort.
Smart casual. That was always the dress code for events at school when you could wear your own clothes and it’s the same for the theatre. You don’t need to wear a suit or dress or anything so grand or pretentious (unless you’re coming from work or a romantic dinner, in which case good on you) but you must try and avoid looking like you’ve just stumbled out of bed still wearing what you had on last night, even if it is the case. A collared shirt or decent jumper should suffice with jeans and a belt that matches some decent shoes. Going to the theatre is still an occasion so mark it by wearing something smart, especially if you're going with other people.
10. Other Audience Members
If you must say something to someone, wait until the interval and do so politely.
Every now and again you will find yourself burdened by sitting next to someone who has clearly never even heard of the word ‘etiquette’. If it really is that awful then try and wait until the interval or at least a scene change before saying something politely like, ‘do you mind not eating so loudly?’ or ‘could you please stop rummaging around in your bag/whispering/sniffing/anything under the sun that’s distracting and selfish?’
If you know they are not going to listen to you and they are being selfish to the point of ruining the evening for you and a number of other people, then find a member of the front of house staff and mention to them that the person is being unbearable and ask them what they can do about it. A solution should be reached. If not, sit quietly and try to ignore them. Making a big deal of it will only serve to make it worse, not better and runs the risk of seriously disrupting the performance.
So, there you have it: ten simple commandments explaining how to and how not to behave in the theatre. It’s not a new thing and many others have listed and explained things that annoy the actors and audience members and it's worth looking up what they've said. Below is one link that is especially good in that regard (watch the whole thing). I hope that adhering to these clear and easy rules will make theatre more enjoyable for everyone and preserve some of the latent authority it possesses.
John Ord (23/02/2011)
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